Suggestion:
I spent almost the whole day in the library doing my homework about transaction costs. The homework should have been finished last week, but, for some reason, I procrastinated until today. I think one of the reasons I put it off was because of my laziness. I don't want to make an excuse for myself. While I was working on my computer to find some resources for my homework, something happened. When I opened a website to download a PDF, two dirty pictures appeared. It was so humiliating that I, even after closing the website, I still felt totally embarrassed. I was in a public study room, and I never wanted to see those dirty pictures! Suddenly, after I closed the website, I became aware that a boy in front of me was laughing at me. I could feel my face becoming hot and turning red. Actually, the guy may not have even been looking at me. I am used to overthinking things because I have low self-confidence, though I try to encourage myself to face challenge in my daily life.
1. "I spent almost whole day in library doing my homework about transaction cost." ▸ "I spent almost the whole day in the library doing my homework about transaction costs."
a. “whole day ▸ "the whole day"
● “whole" always has an article (a or the) in front of it.
◇ Example: “the whole cake”
◇ Example: “a whole cake"
b. "library" ▸ "the library"
● "Library" always has an article (a or the) in front of it.
◇ Example: "The library"
◇ Example: "I went to the New York Public Library."
c. "transaction cost" ▸ "transaction costs"
● "Cost" is an uncountable noun in "transaction costs" it is compound.
● It talks about many types of transaction costs.
● "The transaction cost" would mean one specific cost.
◇ Example: "The cost of living in the city is high." (uncountable, plural noun)
◇ Example: "Housing costs fluctuate." (compound, plural noun)
2. "The homework should have been finished last week.But for some reason，I postpone it until today." ▸ "The homework should have been finished last week, but, for some reason, I procrastinated until today."
a. "But for some reason" ▸ ", but, for some reason,"
● Sentences do not start with conjunctions (examples: but, and, so)
● "I procrastinated until today." is an independent clause. This means a comma is necessary before the conjunction "but".
◇ Example: "I had an early morning class, so I went to bed early."
b. ".But for some reason，I postpone it until today." ▸ "but, for some reason, I procrastinated until today."
● "for some reason" interrupts the sentence flow. It adds clarity but is not necessary to understand the sentence.
◇ Example: "I needed to get up early, but, because I forgot to set my alarm, I overslept."
◇ Example: "I wanted to get coffee, and, as it was on the way to school, I stopped to buy one."
c. "postpone" ▸ "procrastinated"
● In this sentence, the verb should be past tense.
● "Postpone" is used more commonly with events.
◇ Example: "Do you want to postpone the party?"
◇ Example: "I postponed the party."
● "Procrastinate" is used for an activity that you must do but avoid doing it for as long as possible.
◇ Example: "I needed to do my laundry but procrastinated until last night."
◇ Example: "I always procrastinate doing my math homework."
3. "One of the reason maybe is my laziness and objectless，I think. I don't want to make any excuse for myself." ▸ "I think one of the reasons I put it off was because of my laziness. I don't want to make an excuse for myself."
a. "One of the reason" ▸ "One of the reasons"
● "One of ________(s)" - always used with plural nouns. It is one out of many within a specific.
◇ Example: "one of the students" (out of the 20 in the classroom)
◇ Example: "one of the ideas" (out of the several ideas we had)
● You can make this singular by leaving out "of"
◇ Example: "One student asked about the homework."
◇ Example: "One idea was excellent."
b. ", I think." ▸ "I think one of the reasons"
● Creates a better flow and sounds more natural.
c. "any excuse" ▸ "an excuse" OR "any excuse" ▸ "any excuses"
● Any should be used with a plural noun.
◇ Example: "I went to the store, but they didn't have any purple shirts."
● Native speakers sometimes say "any excuse," but it's not technically correct.
4. "There was another thing that happened today in the library. I was using my personal computer to search some resources for my homework." ▸ "While I was working on my computer to find some resources for my homework, something happened."
a. "There was another thing that happened" ▸ ", something happened."
● "another thing" cannot happen. No event has happened before this sentence.
◇ Example: "I went to the library and the power went out. Then, another thing happened. I accidentally looked at a dirty website."
● "Something happened" can be used for a first event.
◇ Example: "I tried to use the computer, but something happened.”
b. "today in the library.” ▸ "While I was working on my computer to find some resources for my homework,"
● You already explained where you were in the story. It is more important that the event happened while you were using the computer for your homework.
◇ Example: “While doing A, B happened.”
◇ Example: "I went to the post office. While I was standing in line, the power went off.”
c. “personal computer” ▸ “my computer”
● It is rare to use “personal computer” - even though it’s technically correct. “My computer” shows that it is your personal computer.
● You could also say “my laptop” if it was a laptop computer.
● If it was a public computer, we never use “personal computer” but may use “PC"
◇ Example: “I was working on my computer.” - this is a computer I own.
◇ Example: “I was working a PC.” - this is a computer I used but may not own.
◇ Example: “I was using my laptop.” - Computer is implied.
5. "When I open a website to download a PDF，two pictures which were dirty appeared on the website.” ▸ "When I opened a website to download a PDF, two dirty pictures appeared on my screen.”
a. “open" ▸ “opened"
● past tense
◇ Example: “When I cleaned my room, I found five dollars.”
b. "two pictures which were dirty” ▸ "two dirty pictures"
● You use this correctly later in the paragraph. It sounds much more natural.
● You can also say: “two pictures, which were dirty, appeared.” - it sounds a little less natural.
◇ Example: "I heard two noisy birds.” is more natural than “I heard two birds, who were noisy."
c. "two pictures which were dirty appeared on the website.” ▸ “two dirty pictures appeared on my screen.”
● You already stated that you were on a website. It is more important that the pictures appeared on your screen. This emphasizes that they can be seen by anyone.
6. "It was so embarrassing that when I shut down the website I still felt embarrassed totally.” ▸ "It was so humiliating that, even after closing the website, I still felt totally embarrassed.”
a. “it was so embarrassing" ▸ “it was so humiliating"
● It sounds strange to use “embarrassing” twice in the same sentence.
b. "I still felt embarrassed totally.” ▸ "I still felt totally embarrassed”
● Dangling modifier
◇ Example: “I was completely exhausted.”
c. "when I shut down the website” ▸ “, even after closing the website,”
● Even though A, still B. (despite)
◇ Example: “Even though I took medicine, I still feel sick.” - taking the action A did not solve B.
7. "I was in a public study room！And I never want to see those dirty picture.” ▸ "I was in a public study room, and I never wanted to see those dirty pictures!”
a. "And I never want to see” ▸ “, and I never wanted to see"
● Sentences do not start with conjunctions (examples: but, and, so)
b. “picture” ▸ “pictures”
● plural
8. Suddenly after I closed the website，I became aware that the boy student in front of me was laughing at me because I could felt my face was hot and was turning red.” ▸ "Suddenly, after I closed the website, I became aware that a boy in front of me was laughing at me. I could feel my face was hot and turning red.”
a. "Suddenly after I closed the website” ▸ “Suddenly, after I closed the website,"
● “Suddenly” is a transition when it is at the beginning of a sentence. It should have a comma after it.
● “after I closed the website” should be set apart because it is a dependent clause.
◇ Example: “Suddenly, I remembered that I had an appointment.”
◇ Example: “After I got on the train, I remembered I had an appointment."
b. “after I closed the website, I became aware that the boy student in front of me was laughing at me because I could felt my face was hot and was turning red.” ▸ "after I closed the website, I became aware that a boy in front of me was laughing at me. I could feel my face becoming hot and turning red.”
● After A, B happened. (as a result) C happened.
● “After I closed the website” = A, "I became aware that a boy in front of me was laughing at me” = B, “I could feel my face becoming hot and turning red"
The boy laughing at you is the cause of your face becoming hot and red. Your face does not change before you see him laughing at you.
c. “boy student” ▸ “boy”
● Sounds slightly unnatural. You can remove “student”.
● You are in a public study room, working on homework, so a boy also in the study room is a student.
d. "I could felt my face was hot and was turning red.” ▸ "I could feel my face becoming hot and turning red.” OR “I felt my face become hot and turn red.”
● Tense agreement
9. "Actually，the guy may not even looked at me.” ▸ "Actually, the guy may not have even been looking at me.”
● Past-Perfect tense shows that something maybe didn’t occur before your face turned red.
10. I am always accustomed to thinking a lot because I am not confident in myself，though I try to encourage myself to take any challenge in my daily life.” ▸
"I am used to overthinking things because I have low self-confidence, though I try to encourage myself to face any challenge in my daily life.”
a. "I am always accustomed to thinking a lot” ▸ "I am used to overthinking things"
● Same meaning and more natural
b. "I am not confident in myself” ▸ “I have low self-confidence"
● Same meaning and more natural
C. "take any challenge” ▸ “face any challenge” OR “take on any challenge”
● Expression is slightly wrong.
