Question
Updated on
daikratu2410
12 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
  • English (US)
Question about English (US)

Hey Hinative English speaker, my name is Bach and I'm Vietnamese, sorry for my English level but i'm here to ask you guys a favor: Next month which is February,i will have my IELTS test and my weakpoint is writing skill so i just wondering that if you guys can help me out correcting my IELTS task 2 essay,in return, you guys can ask me anything about Vietnamese,just feel free to ask and don't hesitate on asking frequently because i will really appriciate if you guys can help me because its really academic and time-consuming,i will reply to your question if i know anything about it,i will put my topic and essay in the additional information box below:

Task 2: Some people think that children should aim to their best at what
they doing. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

Essay
Some individuals believe that adolescents should strive for their best ability while other people reject this notion. In my opinion, parents should balance their children’s time to both studying and playing and I will demonstrate both sides on this essay
First of all, there are several benefits for youngsters to focus on what they do best. Firstly, this approach could have a fruitful result as children will be the future expert on their major, contributing their talents to the society subsequently. For example, numerous accomplished musicians nowadays are likely to be educated in music when they were really young. Secondly, there are huge opportunities to develop their talents and build up their confidence. For instance, there are a vast numbers of competitions which are available for youngsters such as: The Voice Kid, the Masterchef Junior or X-factor...These competitions are organized to find the best competitor at what they doing as well as the popularity and admiration from the community after these show are over
On the other hand, this kind of approach is not always to be the case. In addition, other soft skills also play a crucial role in the future such as: Money management, teamworking or presentation skill. Moreover, parents also should let their offspring to grow up naturally, in other word, give them a true childhood with their peers instead of forcing them to study too hard or heavily
To conclude, although it is obvious for parents to lead their children to do at what they best as teenagers will have a long period of time to develop their talents, however it is also important not to take it seriously. Instead, make times for other soft skills and let children have a wonderful childhood.
Answers
methmi_pw
13 Jan 2021

  • English (US)
Hi. I completed my IELTS so I think I can help you out here. :D I received an overall 8.5 for my IELTS, so I hope you find my help useful. This looks like a lot of information, but I PROMISE YOU this essay is not bad. [Some individuals believe that adolescents should strive for their best ability while other people reject this notion.] THERE NEEDS TO BE A COMMA BEFORE WHILE BECAUSE YOU'RE USING IT IN PLACE OF "WHEREAS." [In my opinion, parents should balance their children’s time to both studying and playing and I will demonstrate both sides IN this essay.] 1) Comma before and (playing, and I will) 2) The sentence is a little unnatural. It's better to write "... parents should aid children to balance their study-time and play-time..." Or you can say: "... parents should aid children to equally allocate their time to playing as well as studying." 3) I corrected your English, but now I'm going to correct your content. a) The question is asking about whether CHILDREN should aim to do their best. In your statement, the main focus is "parents" and it gives the notion that maybe you didn't fully understand the question. So, I suggest writing "children should allocate their time equally to playing and studying." And if you really want to include parents, in brackets write "with the aid of parents." b) your statement needs to directly answer the question. Do you or do you not believe children should do their best? You've said they should balance their play-time and study-time BUT HOW DOES THIS RELATE to the question? Because the question simply asks whether children should do their best? They're asking whether children should be lazy or whether they should work hard. There needs to be a link here. BODY: divide your paragraphs. Firstly.... blah blah blah. that's one paragraph. When you say secondly, that needs to be in another paragraph. [First of all, there are several benefits for youngsters to focus on what they do best. Firstly, this approach could have a fruitful result as children will be the future expert on their major, contributing their talents to society subsequently. For example, numerous accomplished musicians nowadays are likely to be educated in music when they were really young.] 1) You've written "first" twice. This is repetitive. I suggest you start with "there are several benefits..." 2) could have a fruitful result as children will be the future expert on their major --> here, you're using a "conditional" situation. IF children work hard, it WILL have a fruitful result. a) change "could have" to "will have." This shows confidence in what you believe. b) It's better this way: "...will have... as it will allow children to become experts in their major in the future..." [For example, numerous accomplished musicians nowadays WERE likely to be educated in music when they were really young.] [Secondly, there are huge opportunities to develop their talents and build up their confidence. For instance, there are A VAST NUMBER (or VAST NUMBERS) of competitions which are available for youngsters, (comma) such as: The Voice Kid, the Masterchef Junior or X-factor...These competitions are organized to find the best competitor AND PROVIDE popularity and admiration from the community after these showS are over] ^.^ [On the other hand, this kind of approach is not always to be the case.] what case? You can say, "this kind of approach does not always lead to fruitful results." But, since you've written FRUITFUL RESULTS before, it's better to write "such positive outcomes" to prevent repetition. :D [In addition, other soft skills also play a crucial role in the future such as: Money management, teamworking or presentation skill. Moreover, parents also should let their offspring to grow up naturally, in other word, give them a true childhood with their peers instead of forcing them to study too hard or heavily] Remove "in addition" because you only add this once you've made a point. Your previous point was very brief, so in addition doesn't quite fit here. [Moreover, parents should ALSO let their offspring to grow up naturally, in other wordS, give them a true childhood with their peers instead of forcing them to study too hard or heavily.] *** This is a VERY good point (LOOK AT MAJOR POINT BELOW). :D [To conclude, although it is obvious THAT parents WANT to lead their children to do THEIR BEST, THEY WILL STILL HAVE A LONG PERIOD OF TIME AS TEENAGERS TO develop their talents. HOWEVER, it is also important not to take it seriously. Instead, THEY SHOULD make TIME for other soft skills and let children have a wonderful childhood.] You're use of HOWEVER is wrong. However, kind of contradicts the previous statement. (I hate chocolates. However, I like chocolate cake.) You've already said that children should not be forced to do their best, so it's better to say this: talents; it is important not to take it TOO seriously. MAJOR POINT: the question is asking whether children should work hard or not. But, you've equated working hard to studying. Children can work hard at things other than studying, for example: they can work hard at violin, sports, etc. Your first point was: NO, they should play and study. And THEN you went onto say that children WHO DO THEIR BEST AT MUSIC will have a good future. See, the problem here is that you've already agreed that children should do their best. At things other than studying. But, the question never mentioned study vs playing. *** this point you wrote was perfect because you said that children should also be allowed to relax and grow naturally. THAT is what the question is asking. It's asking whether children should be allowed to relax and enjoy their childhood or whether they should be forced to work hard, regardless of whether it's studying or playing. Overall, your English is good. You only have VERY few mistakes with punctuation and some others, but your English is good. It's the content that you have some trouble with. Honestly, I understand you. My first essay I wrote, I got a 5.0 (:'''''( ) but then I worked hard and got it up to a 7. This is the format that is HIGHLY suggested by IELTS examiners for do you agree or not questions. 1) Introduction - rephrase the question. You've done this perfectly. :D - state your opinion (for example: agree) 2) Body - there should be three paragraphs (You've done this almost perfectly - you just need to divide your first body paragraph into two) - one paragraph has one point - para #1: point to support your opinion - para #2: point to support your opinion - para #3: point to NEGATE your opinion 3) Conclusion: See the flow here? You've just negated your opinion in the previous para. So, what you need to do here is, support your opinion again IMMEDIATELY. This is to quickly bring the examiner back to your side of the opinion. - Then you need to rephrase the question again, and ONCE AGAIN state your opinion. Start this with "to conclude." Example: to conclude, although some believe ______, and others support the idea that ______, I strongly stand with my opinion that_______. The format I just gave you has a good flow and allows you to get your points across beautifully. I really hope this has been helpful. Don't give up, okay? Your essay is good, it just needs a bit of work. Let me know if you need more help. :D I struggled with IELTS a lot, so I know how you feel. :D Good luck!!

Hi. I completed my IELTS so I think I can help you out here. :D I received an overall 8.5 for my IELTS, so I hope you find my help useful. This looks like a lot of information, but I PROMISE YOU this essay is not bad.

[Some individuals believe that adolescents should strive for their best ability while other people reject this notion.] THERE NEEDS TO BE A COMMA BEFORE WHILE BECAUSE YOU'RE USING IT IN PLACE OF "WHEREAS."

[In my opinion, parents should balance their children’s time to both studying and playing and I will demonstrate both sides IN this essay.]
1) Comma before and (playing, and I will)

2) The sentence is a little unnatural. It's better to write "... parents should aid children to balance their study-time and play-time..." Or you can say: "... parents should aid children to equally allocate their time to playing as well as studying."

3) I corrected your English, but now I'm going to correct your content. a) The question is asking about whether CHILDREN should aim to do their best. In your statement, the main focus is "parents" and it gives the notion that maybe you didn't fully understand the question. So, I suggest writing "children should allocate their time equally to playing and studying." And if you really want to include parents, in brackets write "with the aid of parents."
b) your statement needs to directly answer the question. Do you or do you not believe children should do their best? You've said they should balance their play-time and study-time BUT HOW DOES THIS RELATE to the question? Because the question simply asks whether children should do their best? They're asking whether children should be lazy or whether they should work hard. There needs to be a link here.


BODY: divide your paragraphs. Firstly.... blah blah blah. that's one paragraph. When you say secondly, that needs to be in another paragraph.

[First of all, there are several benefits for youngsters to focus on what they do best. Firstly, this approach could have a fruitful result as children will be the future expert on their major, contributing their talents to society subsequently. For example, numerous accomplished musicians nowadays are likely to be educated in music when they were really young.]

1) You've written "first" twice. This is repetitive. I suggest you start with "there are several benefits..."
2) could have a fruitful result as children will be the future expert on their major --> here, you're using a "conditional" situation. IF children work hard, it WILL have a fruitful result.
a) change "could have" to "will have." This shows confidence in what you believe.
b) It's better this way: "...will have... as it will allow children to become experts in their major in the future..."

[For example, numerous accomplished musicians nowadays WERE likely to be educated in music when they were really young.]

[Secondly, there are huge opportunities to develop their talents and build up their confidence. For instance, there are A VAST NUMBER (or VAST NUMBERS) of competitions which are available for youngsters, (comma) such as: The Voice Kid, the Masterchef Junior or X-factor...These competitions are organized to find the best competitor AND PROVIDE popularity and admiration from the community after these showS are over] ^.^

[On the other hand, this kind of approach is not always to be the case.] what case? You can say, "this kind of approach does not always lead to fruitful results." But, since you've written FRUITFUL RESULTS before, it's better to write "such positive outcomes" to prevent repetition. :D

[In addition, other soft skills also play a crucial role in the future such as: Money management, teamworking or presentation skill. Moreover, parents also should let their offspring to grow up naturally, in other word, give them a true childhood with their peers instead of forcing them to study too hard or heavily]

Remove "in addition" because you only add this once you've made a point. Your previous point was very brief, so in addition doesn't quite fit here.

[Moreover, parents should ALSO let their offspring to grow up naturally, in other wordS, give them a true childhood with their peers instead of forcing them to study too hard or heavily.] *** This is a VERY good point (LOOK AT MAJOR POINT BELOW). :D

[To conclude, although it is obvious THAT parents WANT to lead their children to do THEIR BEST, THEY WILL STILL HAVE A LONG PERIOD OF TIME AS TEENAGERS TO develop their talents. HOWEVER, it is also important not to take it seriously. Instead, THEY SHOULD make TIME for other soft skills and let children have a wonderful childhood.]

You're use of HOWEVER is wrong. However, kind of contradicts the previous statement. (I hate chocolates. However, I like chocolate cake.) You've already said that children should not be forced to do their best, so it's better to say this:
talents; it is important not to take it TOO seriously.


MAJOR POINT: the question is asking whether children should work hard or not. But, you've equated working hard to studying. Children can work hard at things other than studying, for example: they can work hard at violin, sports, etc.

Your first point was: NO, they should play and study. And THEN you went onto say that children WHO DO THEIR BEST AT MUSIC will have a good future. See, the problem here is that you've already agreed that children should do their best. At things other than studying. But, the question never mentioned study vs playing.

*** this point you wrote was perfect because you said that children should also be allowed to relax and grow naturally. THAT is what the question is asking. It's asking whether children should be allowed to relax and enjoy their childhood or whether they should be forced to work hard, regardless of whether it's studying or playing.

Overall, your English is good. You only have VERY few mistakes with punctuation and some others, but your English is good. It's the content that you have some trouble with. Honestly, I understand you. My first essay I wrote, I got a 5.0 (:'''''( ) but then I worked hard and got it up to a 7.

This is the format that is HIGHLY suggested by IELTS examiners for do you agree or not questions.

1) Introduction - rephrase the question. You've done this perfectly. :D
- state your opinion (for example: agree)

2) Body - there should be three paragraphs (You've done this almost perfectly - you just need to divide your first body paragraph into two)
- one paragraph has one point
- para #1: point to support your opinion
- para #2: point to support your opinion
- para #3: point to NEGATE your opinion

3) Conclusion: See the flow here? You've just negated your opinion in the previous para. So, what you need to do here is, support your opinion again IMMEDIATELY. This is to quickly bring the examiner back to your side of the opinion.
- Then you need to rephrase the question again, and ONCE AGAIN state your opinion. Start this with "to conclude." Example: to conclude, although some believe ______, and others support the idea that ______, I strongly stand with my opinion that_______.

The format I just gave you has a good flow and allows you to get your points across beautifully.


I really hope this has been helpful. Don't give up, okay? Your essay is good, it just needs a bit of work. Let me know if you need more help. :D I struggled with IELTS a lot, so I know how you feel. :D Good luck!!

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
14 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
Hey, I just wanna say that thank you A MILLION TIMES for the VERY DETAILED feedback you gave me, and to be honest, this is the first time i wrote an essay WITHOUT PLANNING anything literally, I did both the writing and brainstorming at the SAME TIME because I was really anxious about the time pressure and this was just my experimentation 😂 but now i know that it is against the general method so the essay was really shitty😣. My grammar also not really good,i'm still working on it😅 and you had pointed out a lot about my mistakes so i can say no more. About the the format that i have learnt on English center in Vietnam(on this type of discussion) essay goes like this:
INTRODUCTION[paraphrase sentence + Thesis statement(i have to choose which side I'm at)}
BODY 1(the opinions that I support) (Topic sentence + Supporting sentences + Supporting details)
BODY 2 also the same structure as Body 1 but with the opinions that i against
CONCLUSION[ Restate the statement + Suggestion(optional)]
That's all i can remember but about the format that you gave me, I think i will be really useful and I will try to use it in my next essay😆 so thank you so much for helping me out, I've never been so glad like this when reading feedback and I will NEVER GIVE UP on writing until I confident about it.Actually i am doing this everyday. So to end this comment, I wish you all the best and thanks a lot for helping a stranger like meee😍
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methmi_pw
14 Jan 2021

  • English (US)

[Hey, I just wanna say that thank you A MILLION TIMES for the VERY DETAILED feedback you gave me, and to be honest, this is the first time i wrote an essay WITHOUT PLANNING anything literally, I did both the writing and brainstorming at the SAME TIME because I was really anxious about the time pressure and this was just my experimentation] Yeah lol I did the same thing 😂 😂 Just as a general tip, I took 5 minutes to write down my main points to help structure my essay. Sometimes I finished it in under a minute, but took an extra minute just to polish it :D

[ but now i know that it is against the general method so the essay was really shitty] no no it really wasn't. Everyone has to start somewhere XD

[BODY 1(the opinions that I support) (Topic sentence + Supporting sentences + Supporting details)
BODY 2 also the same structure as Body 1 but with the opinions that i against] if your center suggests this, you should probably go ahead with this. Do you have the IELTS books (let me know if you don't)? They have sample answers at the back. Go through ones from the bands 7-9 and double-check to see how they divide their paragraphs. :D

[I wish you all the best and thanks a lot for helping a stranger like meee] Thanksss. I joined this site to help people, so no worries! 😂 😂

If you'd like, you can repost another essay :D I'll be glad to help you out. I'm currently helping out a friend too, so I don't mind helping you as well.

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
14 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw [ Do you have the IELTS books (let me know if you don't)? ] yeah i have lots of books which the center provided but mostly they've taught really little from those books.Instead, the native teachers have their own teaching methods which are easier for me to learn😀
[ If you'd like, you can repost another essay :D I'll be glad to help you out. I'm currently helping out a friend too, so I don't mind helping you as well. ] yeah sure, i will have another essay in next few hours so if you dont mind,just go ahead with it 😃😃😃 and do you use Facebook?We can be friend together and if you have the chance to visit Vietnam(not this period of time of course😂) you know who to call😊😊😊
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methmi_pw
14 Jan 2021

  • English (US)

Whoops sorry, when I meant ielts book, i meant their exam papers. Like these: https://www.google.com/search?q=IELTS+cambridge...

If you don't have these, download them for free on https://libgen.is/ Just make sure to scan the downloads of course. :D

Also, sorry, I deleted my facebook account a long time ago and haven't made another one. :/ You can post the essay as another question and tag me in it :D

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
16 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw sorry for the late reply,i've been caught up in semester exams 😪so yeah, i've done all the Ielts reading and listening tests in the IELTS 8-13 😀 and it helped me a lot
Thank you for helping me out, i will tag you in once i post the essay 😍
daikratu2410
17 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw would you please have a look on this essay? I'm really looking forward for your feedback :D Topic: Today, TV channels provide men's sport shows more than women's sport shows, why? Should TV channels equal time for women's sport and men's sport? Essay Currently, numerous TV channels are broadcasting male's sport TV programs more than that of women. In my opinion, the media in general should allocate equally for women's sport and I will explain my thoughts in this essay The main cause for this phenomenon mainly lie on gender's discrimination. Through thousand years of civilization, men have always been representing the power and strength whereas women's roles mostly focusing on keeping the family's bonds and seldom involve in male's works. As a result, the image of women playing sports might not familiar to some people in general. Moreover, as a consequence of this, many TV channels are not interested in broadcasting female's sport shows because they are not earn much profit from it compares to man's shows In my opinion, I strongly believe that the media should increase the time of women's sport shows. Firstly, it encourages feminism as we live in a modern era, there are many things that women can do, even better than men, including sports. For example, Vietnam's female national team has obtained more achievements than male. To be specific, they positioned 34 in FIFA top soccer team worldwide, whereas man stands at 94. Moreover, this also inspires women's sport spirit and subsequently, this will definitely benefit the public health. To conclude, I completely agree that TV channels should distribute more time to broadcast women's shows and also many other things, such as: Women's rights, women's social welfare or promote female for the leadership in order to have a better future
@methmi_pw would you please have a look on this essay? I'm really looking forward for your feedback :D

Topic: Today, TV channels provide men's sport shows more than women's sport shows, why? Should TV channels equal time for women's sport and men's sport?

Essay
Currently, numerous TV channels are broadcasting male's sport TV programs more than that of women. In my opinion, the media in general should allocate equally for women's sport and I will explain my thoughts in this essay
The main cause for this phenomenon mainly lie on gender's discrimination. Through thousand years of civilization, men have always been representing the power and strength whereas women's roles mostly focusing on keeping the family's bonds and seldom involve in male's works. As a result, the image of women playing sports might not familiar to some people in general. Moreover, as a consequence of this, many TV channels are not interested in broadcasting female's sport shows because they are not earn much profit from it compares to man's shows
In my opinion, I strongly believe that the media should increase the time of women's sport shows. Firstly, it encourages feminism as we live in a modern era, there are many things that women can do, even better than men, including sports. For example, Vietnam's female national team has obtained more achievements than male. To be specific, they positioned 34 in FIFA top soccer team worldwide, whereas man stands at 94. Moreover, this also inspires women's sport spirit and subsequently, this will definitely benefit the public health.
To conclude, I completely agree that TV channels should distribute more time to broadcast women's shows and also many other things, such as: Women's rights, women's social welfare or promote female for the leadership in order to have a better future
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methmi_pw
17 Jan 2021

  • English (US)
[Currently, numerous TV channels are broadcasting male's sport TV programs more than that of women. In my opinion, the media in general should allocate TIME equally (or EQUAL TIME) for women's sport and I will explain my thoughts in this essay] A really strong intro, good job! :D 1: in general should have commas on either side 2: comma before "and I will" because you're connecting two full sentences (S V, and S V) [The main cause for this phenomenon mainly LIES IN GENDER discrimination. Through thousand years of civilization, men have always been REPRESENTING POWER and strength whereas women's roles mostly focusing on keeping the family's bonds and seldom involve in male's works.] 1. Lie --> lies (subject is cause, and cause is singular) 2. the phrase is gender discrimination, not gender's. 3. Thousands of years of civilization or through a thousand years of civilization. 4. Comma before whereas because you're contrasting two things. 5. Verb consistency in the last sentence: men have always been, so it has to be women's roles have mostly been focusing. And it has to be have been seldom involved. [...because they DO NOT EARN much profit from it WHEN COMPARED to MEN's shows.] Up until now, you've described "why." In the next sentence, you start to support your opinion. These are two different topics (1: why, 2: my opinion), so the paragraph must be divided. It shows the examiner that you are able to categorize your thoughts into appropriate paragraphs. [In my opinion, I strongly believe that the media should increase the time of women's SPORTS shows. Firstly, it encourages feminism as we live in a modern era, there are many things that women can do even better than men, including sports.] 1. full stop/period (".") after era. 2. comma before do is unnecessary. 3. When you say including sports, it means ALL sports, so it's better to say "including some sports." [For example, Vietnam's female national team has obtained more achievements than male. To be specific, they positioned 34 in FIFA top soccer team worldwide, whereas THE MEN STAND at 94.] The examiner also checks for unnecessary repetition, and because this essay specifically compares men and women, you can't HELP BUT write male/men and female/women repetitively. But, because of that, it's better to cut down on some unnecessary ones. For example: "More achievements." End it there because 1 it's obvious you're comparing men and women, and 2 because in the next sentence you go into more detail. [Moreover, this also inspires women's sport spirit, and subsequently, this will definitely benefit the public health.] Your first point has 3 sentences and is very well explained, but your second point is only one sentence. There are no supporting sentences here. Therefore this point is very weak. :/ [To conclude, I completely agree that TV channels should distribute more time to broadcast women's shows and also many other things, such as: Women's rights, women's social welfare or promote female for the leadership in order to have a better future] 1. You did not restate the question. 2. The last bit is unnecessary as it deviates from the topic of the question (broadcasting sports shows). A few things: 1) Did you run out of time toward the end? 2) There are no supporting paragraphs for the opinion AGAINST yours. I know that since the question asks "why" that means there's a lot more for you to write, but you can use this to your advantage. After you explain why, you can also add one or two sentenes saying something like: Furthermore, this is why many people support the idea that men's shows should be broadcasted more; they generate a higher profit. If you do that, you would've tackled the "why" and the opposing argument in one paragraph. :D 3) It might seem like you have a lot more grammar mistakes in this essay, but that's only because your first essay's grammar was simpler. So, it's really good that your trying our more grammar styles. 4) Repetition with "in my opinion." You need to show your examiner that you know a VARIETY of phrases (look at my next comment) 5) Really good job with this essay. Other than a few mistakes, you're starting to get the hang of it. The first few sections had really great points! :D Look at my next comment. I made some notes for my friend based on my research when I wrote the exam. Those might really help you. @daikratu2410

[Currently, numerous TV channels are broadcasting male's sport TV programs more than that of women. In my opinion, the media in general should allocate TIME equally (or EQUAL TIME) for women's sport and I will explain my thoughts in this essay] A really strong intro, good job! :D
1: in general should have commas on either side
2: comma before "and I will" because you're connecting two full sentences (S V, and S V)

[The main cause for this phenomenon mainly LIES IN GENDER discrimination. Through thousand years of civilization, men have always been REPRESENTING POWER and strength whereas women's roles mostly focusing on keeping the family's bonds and seldom involve in male's works.]
1. Lie --> lies (subject is cause, and cause is singular)
2. the phrase is gender discrimination, not gender's.
3. Thousands of years of civilization or through a thousand years of civilization.
4. Comma before whereas because you're contrasting two things.
5. Verb consistency in the last sentence: men have always been, so it has to be women's roles have mostly been focusing. And it has to be have been seldom involved.

[...because they DO NOT EARN much profit from it WHEN COMPARED to MEN's shows.]

Up until now, you've described "why." In the next sentence, you start to support your opinion. These are two different topics (1: why, 2: my opinion), so the paragraph must be divided. It shows the examiner that you are able to categorize your thoughts into appropriate paragraphs.

[In my opinion, I strongly believe that the media should increase the time of women's SPORTS shows. Firstly, it encourages feminism as we live in a modern era, there are many things that women can do even better than men, including sports.]
1. full stop/period (".") after era.
2. comma before do is unnecessary.
3. When you say including sports, it means ALL sports, so it's better to say "including some sports."

[For example, Vietnam's female national team has obtained more achievements than male. To be specific, they positioned 34 in FIFA top soccer team worldwide, whereas THE MEN STAND at 94.]
The examiner also checks for unnecessary repetition, and because this essay specifically compares men and women, you can't HELP BUT write male/men and female/women repetitively. But, because of that, it's better to cut down on some unnecessary ones. For example: "More achievements." End it there because 1 it's obvious you're comparing men and women, and 2 because in the next sentence you go into more detail.


[Moreover, this also inspires women's sport spirit, and subsequently, this will definitely benefit the public health.]

Your first point has 3 sentences and is very well explained, but your second point is only one sentence. There are no supporting sentences here. Therefore this point is very weak. :/

[To conclude, I completely agree that TV channels should distribute more time to broadcast women's shows and also many other things, such as: Women's rights, women's social welfare or promote female for the leadership in order to have a better future]
1. You did not restate the question.
2. The last bit is unnecessary as it deviates from the topic of the question (broadcasting sports shows).

A few things:
1) Did you run out of time toward the end?
2) There are no supporting paragraphs for the opinion AGAINST yours. I know that since the question asks "why" that means there's a lot more for you to write, but you can use this to your advantage. After you explain why, you can also add one or two sentenes saying something like: Furthermore, this is why many people support the idea that men's shows should be broadcasted more; they generate a higher profit.
If you do that, you would've tackled the "why" and the opposing argument in one paragraph. :D
3) It might seem like you have a lot more grammar mistakes in this essay, but that's only because your first essay's grammar was simpler. So, it's really good that your trying our more grammar styles.
4) Repetition with "in my opinion." You need to show your examiner that you know a VARIETY of phrases (look at my next comment)
5) Really good job with this essay. Other than a few mistakes, you're starting to get the hang of it. The first few sections had really great points! :D

Look at my next comment. I made some notes for my friend based on my research when I wrote the exam. Those might really help you.
@daikratu2410

Highly-rated answerer
methmi_pw
17 Jan 2021

  • English (US)
WRITING TASK 1 SYNONYMS Consist of = comprises Substantial = • of considerable importance • rapid • noticeably Slightly = • Moderately • Modestly • Minimal • Marginal For example = • For instance • Such as • In particular • To give an example Rise = soar Fall = plummet GOOD PHRASES TO USE • It’s worth noting that… • Fell/rose slightly over the period in question (if the specific period has already been mentioned, eg: “from 2010 to 2020” • “Twice as much” (use numbers/fractions to help describe)  Do not use “/,” “etc”  Take labels, words from the graphs/tables/diagrams  Organize paragraphs  LEXICAL RESOURCE – know a good range of vocabulary, but don’t use words you’re unsure of.  Use commas after connective words and prepositional phrases (eg: however, ; in addition to this, ; Moving on, ) WRITING TASK 2 • ALWAYS answer the direct question “To what extent do you agree?” Answer this in the introduction AND the conclusion. • Maintain central argument, don’t deviate from the topic • Address ALL the parts of the question ASSESSMENT ON: 1. Task response 2. Coherence and Cohesion 3. Lexical Resource 4. Grammatical Range 5. Grammatical Accuracy (if there's anything you don't understand here, feel free to ask me :D ) GOOD PHRASES TO USE • Many believe that… It’s commonly believed that… Some/Most people… • It is considered by some that... but many others argue/debate that… • Some support the opinion that…. • In contrast… On the contrary… • In my opinion = in my judgment = from my personal standpoint CONNECTING WORDS 1. Furthermore 2. Moreover 3. In addition to [something]; in addition; additionally 4. Moving on 5. Firstly/Initially; secondly; lastly 6. However 7. Therefore 8. As a consequence 9. Consequently 10. As a result I have some tips for speaking as well, would you like them?

WRITING TASK 1

SYNONYMS
Consist of = comprises
Substantial =
• of considerable importance
• rapid
• noticeably
Slightly =
• Moderately
• Modestly
• Minimal
• Marginal

For example =
• For instance
• Such as
• In particular
• To give an example
Rise = soar
Fall = plummet

GOOD PHRASES TO USE
• It’s worth noting that…
• Fell/rose slightly over the period in question (if the specific period has already been mentioned, eg: “from 2010 to 2020”
• “Twice as much” (use numbers/fractions to help describe)

 Do not use “/,” “etc”
 Take labels, words from the graphs/tables/diagrams
 Organize paragraphs
 LEXICAL RESOURCE – know a good range of vocabulary, but don’t use words you’re unsure of.
 Use commas after connective words and prepositional phrases (eg: however, ; in addition to this, ; Moving on, )


WRITING TASK 2
• ALWAYS answer the direct question
“To what extent do you agree?” Answer this in the introduction AND the conclusion.
• Maintain central argument, don’t deviate from the topic
• Address ALL the parts of the question

ASSESSMENT ON:
1. Task response
2. Coherence and Cohesion
3. Lexical Resource
4. Grammatical Range
5. Grammatical Accuracy

(if there's anything you don't understand here, feel free to ask me :D )

GOOD PHRASES TO USE
• Many believe that… It’s commonly believed that… Some/Most people…
• It is considered by some that... but many others argue/debate that…
• Some support the opinion that….
• In contrast… On the contrary…
• In my opinion = in my judgment = from my personal standpoint

CONNECTING WORDS
1. Furthermore
2. Moreover
3. In addition to [something]; in addition; additionally
4. Moving on
5. Firstly/Initially; secondly; lastly
6. However
7. Therefore
8. As a consequence
9. Consequently
10. As a result


I have some tips for speaking as well, would you like them?

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
22 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw [ Did you run out of time toward the end?] yeah,when i'm finished the essay, there was only more than a minute left so i just quickly checked the essay grammar again 😅
[I have some tips for speaking as well, would you like them?] sorry for the late reply again :D and yes, would you please share some tips, it would be really useful as I'm also practicing speaking as well :D
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daikratu2410
28 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw hey i just have another essay in writing task 2, would you mind have a look and give me some feedbacks? Topic : To succeed in a business, one needs to know maths. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Essay Some individuals believe in ordert to be successful in bussiness, the ability to do mathematic calculation is required in everyone. In light of this, I strongly approve that people who involve in bussiness should know how to do maths There are several benefits when doing math in bussiness. First of all, money management is really crucial whether a person run the company or not. In term of business, this even have a higher level as the statistics provide significant data of how the firm operates. For instance, monthly sales figures indicate how much money the company earns in a month through selling goods, running costs display the expenditure of the company on payroll, rental workplaces, electrical costs and various other categories. Consequently, the person who run a company must understand these figures if they want to do bussiness in long-term period. Moreover,the ability to calculate is also extremely helpful in market competitiveness. For example, it assists the enterprise leaders to draw out schemes and strategies to compete their opponents on the market and statistics will always provide hints for the company to project the future plans However, other skills also have tremendous impacts in running bussiness. In order to lead a company to a fruitful bussiness, ones must develop relationship and seeking cooperations with other companies. To do this, social skills and the impressions in other people really determine the chance of partnership. Additionally, obey and comprehend the laws are also vital to the company because it will be a pity if the person who lead the company do not know whether what he do is illegal or not. Therefore, this could lower the chances to have unworthy consequences in the future In conclusion, some people argre that bussinessmen must know how to do math in order to run bussinesses. In my opinion, I strongly feel that math is really worthwhile and other skills are undoubted valuable in order to achieve success in the future
@methmi_pw hey i just have another essay in writing task 2, would you mind have a look and give me some feedbacks?
Topic : To succeed in a business, one needs to know maths. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay
Some individuals believe in ordert to be successful in bussiness, the ability to do mathematic calculation is required in everyone. In light of this, I strongly approve that people who involve in bussiness should know how to do maths
There are several benefits when doing math in bussiness. First of all, money management is really crucial whether a person run the company or not. In term of business, this even have a higher level as the statistics provide significant data of how the firm operates. For instance, monthly sales figures indicate how much money the company earns in a month through selling goods, running costs display the expenditure of the company on payroll, rental workplaces, electrical costs and various other categories. Consequently, the person who run a company must understand these figures if they want to do bussiness in long-term period. Moreover,the ability to calculate is also extremely helpful in market competitiveness. For example, it assists the enterprise leaders to draw out schemes and strategies to compete their opponents on the market and statistics will always provide hints for the company to project the future plans
However, other skills also have tremendous impacts in running bussiness. In order to lead a company to a fruitful bussiness, ones must develop relationship and seeking cooperations with other companies. To do this, social skills and the impressions in other people really determine the chance of partnership. Additionally, obey and comprehend the laws are also vital to the company because it will be a pity if the person who lead the company do not know whether what he do is illegal or not. Therefore, this could lower the chances to have unworthy consequences in the future
In conclusion, some people argre that bussinessmen must know how to do math in order to run bussinesses. In my opinion, I strongly feel that math is really worthwhile and other skills are undoubted valuable in order to achieve success in the future
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daikratu2410
28 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw and this is my part 1 essay pls have a look at it :D

Essay
The table compares five different kinds of transportation registered in Australia in 3 years 2010,2012 and 2014. As can be seen from the table, passenger vehicles was the most popular modes of transportation while light trucks had the least number of people registered
In 2010, the numbers of passenger transportation registered stood at nearly 12 million vehicles while commercial vehicles was only one-fifth with that of the passenger vehicles at the same year. After 4 years, the former witnessed a moderate rise to 13 million cars whereas the figure for commercial vehicles increased slightly by 400000 cars
As for the private vehicles, motorbikes had the highest percentage of growth, more than 30% from 540000 to 709000 bikes. In terms of trucks, there was a small climb in the number of heavytrucks from 384000 in 2010 to 416000 cars after 4 years whereas the statistics for the light truck wemt up remarkably to 131 thousand in 2014
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methmi_pw
29 Jan 2021

  • English (US)
[Some individuals believe in ORDER to be successful in BUSINESS, the ability to do mathematicAL calculations is required FOR everyone. In light of this, I strongly approve that people who ARE involveD in BUSINESS should know how to do maths.] Really great introduction with great grammatical range! [There are several benefits when doing math in BUSINESS. First of all, money management is really crucial whether a person RUNS the company or not. **In termS of business, this even have a higher level as the statistics provide significant data of how the firm operates.** For instance, monthly sales figures indicate how much money the company earns in a month through selling goods, running costs display the expenditure of the company on payroll, rental workplaces, electrical costs and various other categories.] ** This sentence is unclear. What has a higher level in business? Do you mean to say that money management is especially important in terms of business operations? [Consequently, the person who RUNS a company must understand these figures if they want to do buSiness in THE long-term period.] Your first point (the section above) is very well written. The main point, example, and supporting information. But, again, your second point is very weak. "Period" is unnecessary and is slightly awkward. "In the long-term" is sufficient. [Moreover, the ability to calculate is also extremely helpful in market competitiveness. For example, it assists the enterprise leaders to draw out schemes and strategies to compete WITH their opponents on the market and statistics will always provide hints for the company to project the future plans] comma is needed before and in "and statistics..." "Project" is used slightly unnaturally here. You could say "statistics aid the company with future plans via the projection/extrapolation of current statistics." [However, other skills also have tremendous impacts in running buSsiness. In order to lead a company SUCCESSFULLY (your phrase is a bit unnatural), ONE must **develop relationshipS and SEEK** cooperations with other companies. To do this, social skills and the impressions in other people really determine the chance of (A) partnership (A PARTNERSHIP or PARTNERSHIPS). Additionally, obeyING and comprehendING the laws are also (YOU'VE WRITTEN IN ADDITIONALLY, THEREFORE USE OF "ALSO" HERE IS AWKWARD/REPETITIVE) vital to the company"," because it will be a pity if the person who LEADS the company doES NOT know whether HIS ACTIONS ARE ILLEGAL OR NOT. Therefore, this could lower the chances to have unworthy consequences in the future] The last sentence is slightly confusing. Unworthy as an adj to descripe consequence is extremely rare. You're better off saying "negative consequence." ** Verb consistency. since you say "develop" in the first clause, the second clause also has to have the same verb tense. :D [ In my opinion, I strongly feel that math is really worthwhile, BUT other skills ALSO HAVE undoubtABLE VALUE in order to achieve success in the future] It's better to repeat your very first sentence here in different words to provide a stronger conclusion. Wow, really great essay! You've improved quite a lot with grammatical accuracy and range! Just one thing, though. Your opposite argument says that skills other than maths are important, but the question never said math was THE ONLY SKILL. To connect the two, you could add something like "some people believe that excessive attention to the importance of maths would prevent individuals from learning other essential skills." That way it shows you've clearly understood the question. Again, really good job with this essay. By far, the best one I've read from you :D :D :D I'll come back to help you with the second one. ^.^

[Some individuals believe in ORDER to be successful in BUSINESS, the ability to do mathematicAL calculations is required FOR everyone. In light of this, I strongly approve that people who ARE involveD in BUSINESS should know how to do maths.] Really great introduction with great grammatical range!

[There are several benefits when doing math in BUSINESS. First of all, money management is really crucial whether a person RUNS the company or not. **In termS of business, this even have a higher level as the statistics provide significant data of how the firm operates.** For instance, monthly sales figures indicate how much money the company earns in a month through selling goods, running costs display the expenditure of the company on payroll, rental workplaces, electrical costs and various other categories.]
** This sentence is unclear. What has a higher level in business? Do you mean to say that money management is especially important in terms of business operations?

[Consequently, the person who RUNS a company must understand these figures if they want to do buSiness in THE long-term period.] Your first point (the section above) is very well written. The main point, example, and supporting information. But, again, your second point is very weak. "Period" is unnecessary and is slightly awkward. "In the long-term" is sufficient.

[Moreover, the ability to calculate is also extremely helpful in market competitiveness. For example, it assists the enterprise leaders to draw out schemes and strategies to compete WITH their opponents on the market and statistics will always provide hints for the company to project the future plans] comma is needed before and in "and statistics..." "Project" is used slightly unnaturally here. You could say "statistics aid the company with future plans via the projection/extrapolation of current statistics."

[However, other skills also have tremendous impacts in running buSsiness. In order to lead a company SUCCESSFULLY (your phrase is a bit unnatural), ONE must **develop relationshipS and SEEK** cooperations with other companies. To do this, social skills and the impressions in other people really determine the chance of (A) partnership (A PARTNERSHIP or PARTNERSHIPS). Additionally, obeyING and comprehendING the laws are also (YOU'VE WRITTEN IN ADDITIONALLY, THEREFORE USE OF "ALSO" HERE IS AWKWARD/REPETITIVE) vital to the company"," because it will be a pity if the person who LEADS the company doES NOT know whether HIS ACTIONS ARE ILLEGAL OR NOT. Therefore, this could lower the chances to have unworthy consequences in the future] The last sentence is slightly confusing. Unworthy as an adj to descripe consequence is extremely rare. You're better off saying "negative consequence."

** Verb consistency. since you say "develop" in the first clause, the second clause also has to have the same verb tense. :D

[ In my opinion, I strongly feel that math is really worthwhile, BUT other skills ALSO HAVE undoubtABLE VALUE in order to achieve success in the future] It's better to repeat your very first sentence here in different words to provide a stronger conclusion.

Wow, really great essay! You've improved quite a lot with grammatical accuracy and range! Just one thing, though. Your opposite argument says that skills other than maths are important, but the question never said math was THE ONLY SKILL. To connect the two, you could add something like "some people believe that excessive attention to the importance of maths would prevent individuals from learning other essential skills." That way it shows you've clearly understood the question.

Again, really good job with this essay. By far, the best one I've read from you :D :D :D

I'll come back to help you with the second one. ^.^

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
29 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw [ This sentence is unclear. What has a higher level in business? Do you mean to say that money management is especially important in terms of business operations? ] yes i tried to write it down base on my native language understanding, so that pharse is supposed to be " have a higher level of importance " :D
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daikratu2410
29 Jan 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw the writing task 2 essay that you corrected for me 3 hours ago was my yesterday essay :) so now i'm presenting to you my today writing task 2 about music, and I also a musician 😆 so on this essay i will have more insights about it, please have look at it :D Topic: In some countries, only few young people go to classical music concerts or play classical music. Why? Should young people be encouraged to attend and learn more? Essay In several nations, only a small minority of adolescents come to classical music concerts or perform classical music. In my opinion, teenagers should be inspired to study more about classical music, and I will explain some of the main reasons on this essay There are several causes why a majority of children is no longer interested in classical music. The main reason is that the differences between generations because music taste reflects a particular period of time as the classical music era is far away from today music. For instance: the birth of many musical genres between 20th and 21st century such as: Jazz, Pop, Rock… has significantly shaped people’s musical tastes and revolutionized the way people attended to music concerts. As a result, nowadays, most youngsters are more likely to learn how to play these modern music genres instead of playing classical music. Moreover, due to the advances of technology, especially on social media and video-streaming applications, people now can still watch musical concerts without leaving their home. Therefore, this is the main factor why there is only a few people attend live music. In my opinion, there are several reasons that children should be inspired to visit music concerts and take up more about classical music. Firstly, learning classical at the beginning will definitely provide a solid foundation for the learners, and as a matter of fact, various music genres these days are derived from classical music theories and techniques . Secondly, in terms of the music concert, people who organized these concerts should have some solutions to tackle this problem. For example, they can provide entry-free fee for children or create workshops about classical music to children so that they can understand more about this particular type of music To conclude, in numerous states, only a few numbers of children visit classical music concert and play this type of music. In my thoughts, I feel that youngsters should be encouraged to attend and learn more about it because of the tremendous benefits it brings to them
@methmi_pw the writing task 2 essay that you corrected for me 3 hours ago was my yesterday essay :) so now i'm presenting to you my today writing task 2 about music, and I also a musician 😆 so on this essay i will have more insights about it, please have look at it :D

Topic: In some countries, only few young people go to classical music concerts or play classical music. Why? Should young people be encouraged to attend and learn more?

Essay
In several nations, only a small minority of adolescents come to classical music concerts or perform classical music. In my opinion, teenagers should be inspired to study more about classical music, and I will explain some of the main reasons on this essay
There are several causes why a majority of children is no longer interested in classical music. The main reason is that the differences between generations because music taste reflects a particular period of time as the classical music era is far away from today music. For instance: the birth of many musical genres between 20th and 21st century such as: Jazz, Pop, Rock… has significantly shaped people’s musical tastes and revolutionized the way people attended to music concerts. As a result, nowadays, most youngsters are more likely to learn how to play these modern music genres instead of playing classical music. Moreover, due to the advances of technology, especially on social media and video-streaming applications, people now can still watch musical concerts without leaving their home. Therefore, this is the main factor why there is only a few people attend live music.
In my opinion, there are several reasons that children should be inspired to visit music concerts and take up more about classical music. Firstly, learning classical at the beginning will definitely provide a solid foundation for the learners, and as a matter of fact, various music genres these days are derived from classical music theories and techniques . Secondly, in terms of the music concert, people who organized these concerts should have some solutions to tackle this problem. For example, they can provide entry-free fee for children or create workshops about classical music to children so that they can understand more about this particular type of music
To conclude, in numerous states, only a few numbers of children visit classical music concert and play this type of music. In my thoughts, I feel that youngsters should be encouraged to attend and learn more about it because of the tremendous benefits it brings to them
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methmi_pw
31 Jan 2021

  • English (US)
[In several nations, only a MINORITY (a minority is already small) of adolescents come to classical music concerts or perform classical music.] [The main reason IS THE differences between generations. Because music taste reflects a particular period of time, the classical music era is far away from today's music. ] I corrected some grammar here. [ For instance: the birth of many musical genres between the 20th and 21st centURIES, such as Jazz, Pop, and Rock, has significantly shaped people’s musical tastes and revolutionized the way people ATTENDED music concerts.] Don't use ellipses. I corrected some grammar here too. [people now can still watch musical] --> people can now watch musical... HOMES. [ there ARE only a few people WHO LISTEN TO live music.] [. Secondly, in terms of the music concert, people who organized these concerts should have some solutions to tackle this problem. For example, they can provide entry-free fee for children or create workshops about classical music to children so that they can understand more about this particular type of music] This is unnecessary. The question is asking WHETHER THEY SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED, not HOW. :D [In my thoughts] In my OPINION or AS PER MY BELIEF. You keep improving. Great job! I hardly had anything to fix. Although, I have one pointer: there is no opposing argument. For these kinds of questions, I suggest you make the "why" answer your opposing argument as well. For example, "this and this are WHY they don't attend concerts. Many people find that attending live concerts is a highly inconvenient alternative in this digitalized world, therefore believe that youngsters shouldn't have to attend classical music concerts." One sentence like that tackles two major parts of your question with ease. :D

[In several nations, only a MINORITY (a minority is already small) of adolescents come to classical music concerts or perform classical music.]

[The main reason IS THE differences between generations. Because music taste reflects a particular period of time, the classical music era is far away from today's music. ] I corrected some grammar here.

[ For instance: the birth of many musical genres between the 20th and 21st centURIES, such as Jazz, Pop, and Rock, has significantly shaped people’s musical tastes and revolutionized the way people ATTENDED music concerts.] Don't use ellipses. I corrected some grammar here too.

[people now can still watch musical] --> people can now watch musical... HOMES.

[ there ARE only a few people WHO LISTEN TO live music.]

[. Secondly, in terms of the music concert, people who organized these concerts should have some solutions to tackle this problem. For example, they can provide entry-free fee for children or create workshops about classical music to children so that they can understand more about this particular type of music] This is unnecessary. The question is asking WHETHER THEY SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED, not HOW. :D

[In my thoughts] In my OPINION or AS PER MY BELIEF.

You keep improving. Great job! I hardly had anything to fix. Although, I have one pointer: there is no opposing argument. For these kinds of questions, I suggest you make the "why" answer your opposing argument as well. For example, "this and this are WHY they don't attend concerts. Many people find that attending live concerts is a highly inconvenient alternative in this digitalized world, therefore believe that youngsters shouldn't have to attend classical music concerts." One sentence like that tackles two major parts of your question with ease. :D

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
6 Feb 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw hey i've just finished my essay, the topic this time is people's freedom and please have a look at it :D and one more things, through the process of writing essay, i find out a problem is that eventhough i do understand grammar and sentences structures, but sometime it took me a really long time on getting my thoughts on the paper to sound naturally, can you please share me some advices on how to tackle this problem ? I even don't have any time left to check grammar when i'm finished this essay😢 Topic:Some people argue that individuals’ freedom should be in accordance with laws and rules, otherwise, society cannot function as it should be. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Essay Several individuals opine that citizen's freedom should be managed by the regulations, so that the society can operate properly. In light of this, I strongly believe that mesures should be enforced appropriately to ensure people can live in a peaceful society There are numerous consequences if people's freedom are far beyond laws and rules. Subsequently, it could lead to disobedience, and this may affect many people's lives in a negative ways, and finally, bringing chaos. For example, in COVID-19 epidemics, many peole make an excuse about their freedom to refuse to wear masks or disobey the social distancing, even more worse, numerous adolescents even open parties recklessly. As a result, many more people are being infected by the virus. Medical system has been overloaded as doctors have to put more efforts on their works after long weeks separating from their family. This, ịn the long-term, could make the medical system being paralyzed and ultimately, lead to a total crisis On the other hand, enforcing human's rights of freedom too harsh may cause detrimental outcomes on citizens. If the authority interfere too much on people's behavior. This may violate the moral values on freedom, and it could cause a pervasive dissapointment of people's expectations on the government, and riots could happen as a result. That is the reason why suitable mesures should be carried out to keep the society in a stable condition, but also deter people from disobeying the laws In conclusion, some people believe that a proper society must accompany with laws and rules. In my opinion, in order to maintain a stable society, regulations should be enforce reasonably
@methmi_pw hey i've just finished my essay, the topic this time is people's freedom and please have a look at it :D and one more things, through the process of writing essay, i find out a problem is that eventhough i do understand grammar and sentences structures, but sometime it took me a really long time on getting my thoughts on the paper to sound naturally, can you please share me some advices on how to tackle this problem ? I even don't have any time left to check grammar when i'm finished this essay😢

Topic:Some people argue that individuals’ freedom should be in accordance with laws and rules, otherwise, society cannot function as it should be. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay
Several individuals opine that citizen's freedom should be managed by the regulations, so that the society can operate properly. In light of this, I strongly believe that mesures should be enforced appropriately to ensure people can live in a peaceful society
There are numerous consequences if people's freedom are far beyond laws and rules. Subsequently, it could lead to disobedience, and this may affect many people's lives in a negative ways, and finally, bringing chaos. For example, in COVID-19 epidemics, many peole make an excuse about their freedom to refuse to wear masks or disobey the social distancing, even more worse, numerous adolescents even open parties recklessly. As a result, many more people are being infected by the virus. Medical system has been overloaded as doctors have to put more efforts on their works after long weeks separating from their family. This, ịn the long-term, could make the medical system being paralyzed and ultimately, lead to a total crisis
On the other hand, enforcing human's rights of freedom too harsh may cause detrimental outcomes on citizens. If the authority interfere too much on people's behavior. This may violate the moral values on freedom, and it could cause a pervasive dissapointment of people's expectations on the government, and riots could happen as a result. That is the reason why suitable mesures should be carried out to keep the society in a stable condition, but also deter people from disobeying the laws
In conclusion, some people believe that a proper society must accompany with laws and rules. In my opinion, in order to maintain a stable society, regulations should be enforce reasonably
methmi_pw
9 Feb 2021

  • English (US)

@daikratu2410 hiii I'm sorry, I haven't logged in in a while. Do you still need me to help you with the above essay?

Highly-rated answerer
daikratu2410
9 Feb 2021

  • Vietnamese
@methmi_pw yeah i think i can go on all by myself this time,sorry to bother you for a long time actually, i was too worried about it. I know that i can't get all the grammar correct in an essay but to reduce it as much as possible. Thank you for being with me in such a long time, i've never seen someone keen to help me like you to be honest :D. So yeah i think that's it, and if you need help, please tell me on this essay, i will do as best as i can 😆😆😆
methmi_pw
10 Feb 2021

  • English (US)

@daikratu2410 No worries!! I wish you all the best in your exam! Don't give up and try to practice as much as you can! :D

Here's a link that might help you with your grammar. Reading is a fun way to improve your English. https://www.allearsenglish.com/ielts/novels-pre...

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Hey Hinative English speaker, my name is Bach and I'm Vietnamese, sorry for my English level but i'm here to ask you guys a favor: Next month which is February,i will have my IELTS test and my weakpoint is writing skill so i just wondering that if you guys can help me out correcting my IELTS task 2 essay,in return, you guys can ask me anything about Vietnamese,just feel free to ask and don't hesitate on asking frequently because i will really appriciate if you guys can help me because its really academic and time-consuming,i will reply to your question if i know anything about it,i will put my topic and essay in the additional information box below:
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