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My essay is in the 6 pictures below. Does it sound natural?

Note: I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post my essay online, so I’m deleting this question after choosing the best answer. I’d be grateful if you could read my essay and correct any small mistakes/unnatural expressions as strictly as possible, without writing down my whole sentences on the app. I mean, I’d like you to only write down unnatural parts in bullet point format. Thank you.

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