2 Aug 2014

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Question about English (US)

The result of the survey revealed Japanese men's degree of sense of happiness is much lower than women.
According to the result of the survey, only less than 30 present of men are happy about their lives, which is more than 10 person lower than women.

What do the sentences above sounds like ? Would you correct them?
I just would them to mean, "調査によると日本人の男性の幸福度は女性よりも大幅に低い。"

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English (US)

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